Transcript
WEBVTT
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This is the World Circle, a podcast about the ups, downs, and all arounds of the human experience.
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I'm Beth Huddleston, host of the World Circle.
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Today I interview Serrano Mitchell.
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She's the mother, singer-songwriter, writer, poet, and author of the memoir, still smiling in her memoir.
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And in today's interview, Serrano talks about several issues, including the sudden loss of her father when she was only a child, a difficult relationship with her mother, surviving sexual abuse, living with bipolar disorder, and finding positivity and joy despite it all.
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Sorana, it's so nice to have you here.
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We have a lot to talk about.
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So I wanna start with where you grew up and where you are now.
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I know you had a, some time in the US as well, but you're in Grenada and you were born there and grew up there.
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So tell me a little bit about that.
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What is it, like living there?
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Well, let's see.
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Grenada is in the Southern Caribbean.
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We are blessed with the tropics, lots of wonderful tropical fruits.
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The hot, humid air, the sea, the waterfalls.
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We have our own brand of, well, several brands of chocolates on the island.
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Grenada is, for me, it's not just home, but it's comfortable and it's a happy, it, it has mixed, I have mixed memories, mixed feelings about Grenada, I'll be honest, but I love it.
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It's my home.
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I went to Catholic schools which were public by the way.
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When I paid for I went to our national, well, I call it national.
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It's a TIA community college where I focused on sociology and history, both British and well, European and Caribbean history.
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I ventured into journalism, some love I had.
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For instance, I was a child and thereafter.
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I worked as N P R at the Grenada Food and Nutrition Council.
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I also love to cook, not so much anymore because it's not, it's showing too much.
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When you were growing up there, what was your family life like?
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What was your family size?
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What kind of stuff did your parents do?
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What was that like?
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Okay, so I am the last of, I don't want to give you the wrong count.
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11 or 12 or 13 of us, somewhere around there.
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My dad had three children before he got together with my mom, with whom he had eight.
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So he is 11 us of us and all, well, 11 of us that survived'cause some died along the way.
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My parents were farmers, were small farmers.
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Both my mom and my dad, but my dad mainly, he he grew nutmegs, I don't know, known as the Isle of Spice.
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Pure Grs Spice of the Caribbean.
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So we have lots of spices here.
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We have cinnamon, we have bay leaf, we have clove, just name it, we have it, the spices.
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And so my dad did mainly, he did nutmeg.
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He did the spices.
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He did shot crops.
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He did root crops like the sweet potatoes and the yams.
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And he did like cabbages, tomatoes.
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So my family was very entrenched in Agriculture.
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There were small farmers.
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I as being the last we had a very small house that expanded over the years and not in any planned fashion.
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I always see, because our house is very interesting, it starts one way.
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Then they extended and they added a piece here.
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Then they added another piece here.
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So it was not a planned building.
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Whenever they saw a little money and they were able to put on a piece, they were able to do that.
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My sisters and brothers before me were very involved in agriculture as you know, even in the US growing up in, in the past.
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And I still think to now where if you're on a farm, growing up on a farm, everyone participates, you know, so unlike my sisters, I did not have to go to the garden as we called it in the mountains.
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But they would go sometimes starting from Wednesday to the garden to get nut made, to get provisions, the cabbage, to carrots, the tomatoes name it whatever.
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They had to carry on their heads they had to carry through.
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Rivers, some of them Russian rivers, they have to, sometimes they fall into the river.
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They have to get up, put the load back on their heads and keep moving to get down.
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Then my sisters would go to St.
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George's, which is the capital city, and they would sell the produce.
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So sometimes they wouldn't, they wouldn't see school Wednesday to Friday.
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Sometimes they go, they go to school on Monday and Tuesday.
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So I often say that I had it good where that is concerned.
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You know, it was easier.
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By the time I came around in 1978, my dad.
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I mean, he loved music.
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He loved to dance.
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I think I take that from him.
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On Sundays especially, I would dance Calypso with him.
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He would put me on his toes as many dads do.
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I would stand on his, his feet and we would dance around and entertain his friends because he would call Santa a couple of dad.
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And I was always ready to entertain.
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So I'm gone there dancing with my dad and every time I hear a Luther Rass song, I always tear up because I always remember dancing with my dad like that in I hear that song, I'm like, I don't want to hear this.
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I don't wanna hear this.
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I don't wanna hear this song.
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'cause it brings back that memory.
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And he was fun.
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He was really, he was a really good dad to all of us.
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I think my mom used to get angry because she said he spoiled me because I would get away with anything with him.
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I remember one time, I stole money to buy a book.
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I was obsessed with books since I was a kid.
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And I remember him.
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That was the only time I saw my father look at me disappointed.
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He was so disappointed in me because my mom gave me$5 and I felt that was not enough.
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So Ms.
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Craze went and steal her mother's$20 to buy books, and I got a book licking okay.
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But he didn't beat me.
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He just looked at me disappointed and I never forget that look.
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And you grow up knowing that stealing is wrong.
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It's, it's not something good to do.
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And, you know, you are reprimanded and everything like that, but I've been in situations where I was in great need, right?
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And there were, there were times I could have stole it, you know, but I just could not get myself to go over that, that thing.
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'cause like my father is always there, look, giving me that look of disappointment.
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And I'm like, I'm disappointed him when I was yay high, I won't dis disappoint him again.
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You know?
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My mom, she was a disciplinarian.
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She beat a lot.
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She, I know one sister who got licks with the, the whip.
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I remember one time she made my brother go get, we had a tamarind tree and My brother had to go get the Tamron for his licking, his beating.
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And that always stayed with me because I was younger and I was like, I have to go and get the implement.
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That will hurt me so much for you to beat me with.
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I don't think so.
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So I think for the most part I was a, a good girl, if I may say so.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I, I was a pretty good girl especially after my father died.
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I did not want to cause problems for my mom because, My mom died last year.
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That's 2022, and I don't think she ever got over the passing of my dad.
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I mean, he was her knight in shining armor.
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They had this love story.
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I, I recall like 20 some years ago, my dad would've died maybe 15 years had passed and there was a blanket, a yellow blanket I'd never forgot.
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I'd never forget it.
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And he bought it for her their very first Christmas.
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And she said that they didn't have anything and she didn't know where he got the money from, but that is what he gave her for her Christmas.
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And I remember that yellow blanket.
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And I used to go on.
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Fold myself up in it, because I thought that was the cutest thing in the world for a man to do that for the woman he loves.
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Because if you don't have any money, some people would say, oh, I don't have any money, but he gave her something and she has, she cherished it to the point where I heard it was in tatters.
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Okay.
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I'm going ahead of myself if I go there, but when it comes to finding a partner, I look at them, I listen to them, I see how they behave, and I compare them to my father.
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It's a different time.
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They would have different occupations, professions, but there are intrinsic behaviors and and so on that are there.
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And you look at things in people and you know, you are like, I'm not looking for my father, of course, but he left a strong, strong, strong mark in my life.
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And My mother who went through a heavy depression, I don't think she realized that is what it was.
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But she went through a heavy, heavy, heavy depression after he passed and she struggled.
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She struggled.
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She struggled financially, she struggled emotionally.
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And it took a toll on how she parented us.
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As someone who would've evolved and understand things differently.
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I understand why my mother did a lot of things, although in the process it hurt me.
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I understand why she was, she was operating from a level of hurt and pain and unresolved.
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Issues.
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So I understand I, it doesn't excuse certain behaviors, but I understand, and I have, I have been able to forgive and release it because she was just a person who didn't understand her own self and what she was going through and how it was hurting her and how the depression was hurting her.
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So her treatment, her behavior and everything, they were so intertwined.
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That's what I see a lot.
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Mm-hmm.
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You said she was kind of real strict and a disciplinarian and pretty tough with you kids and on you.
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And it sounds like the relationship with your father though, was nice do you feel like it was really his death that kind of.
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Made her more difficult for you, towards you, or was she always kind of that way She was always, always that way and I think it, it became worse because like many, many people, her, from her time, she became financially dependent on her children, her grown children mainly.
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And She would always cry.
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My mom would always cry, oh, she missed my dad.
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She would, because his, his name was Mitchie.
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She would, oh, I miss Mitchie.
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Oh, I want Mitchie to come back.
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And she was like, always like that whenever a situation came up that was hard to deal with, you know?
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But listening to my other siblings, she was always tough to deal with.
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Okay.
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She was tough, tough, tough, tough to deal with.
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And I think many a times, I, I go in my mind, and I think my mother was not prepared for a child like me.
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I was different from my other siblings.
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Let's put it that way.
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And I questioned things.
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I had a mind of my own.
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I just did whatever I wanted to do.
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I said whatever, especially when I was much younger, as I grew, especially after my dad passed, I got quieter.
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But when I was younger and he was alive, man, I was just doing every and anything and that she couldn't understand those things.
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I love to read, I love to read and disappear.
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And then I would watch a lot of movies and dream up of doing my own movies and stuff like that.
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And she didn't like the idea of me just sitting and reading a book, go out there and do something.
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But I'm like, what do you want me to do?
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Because, How I was brought up is like, we were not allowed to, and certain people would allow it, but my mom didn't.
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I didn't visit many people's houses and so on, so I played in the yard.
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Or if I was in the yard, she would say, get inside.
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So if I go inside, what I have to do is read or watch tv, but if I'm reading or watching tv, she has a problem with it.
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So that I couldn't find a balance.
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I did not know what to do that would please her.
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And that repeated itself over and over and over in my life with my mom.
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I couldn't find a balance.
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I could not find some way to please her.
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And then as I understood things easier, I was like, that's not my job to please her.
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It's a hard realization to come to because as children, As women, we want we or we naturally want to please.
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And when it comes to our parents, our mothers especially, we want them to love us and accept us, but sometimes they just don't or they don't understand us and so you wanna be yourself, but at the same time, you want to be accepted and loved and all of those things by the person who brought you into this world.
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Just accept you as who you are.
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Because I wanted to be like my other siblings.
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So maybe because she liked them.
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So if I was like this one, maybe she would like me, but then I still couldn't get it, you know?
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So I was like, what the hell do I do for this woman to like me?
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And as I read more and I understood.
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Human nature psychology, understanding myself, I realize it's not my job.
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It's not my job to please her.
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I can't do that.
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I can only be me.
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I can be respectful.
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I can't be whatever, but I cannot please you.
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I cannot.
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What, what age do you think it was when you came to that realization?
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Like, how many years do you think you tried to bend yourself in different ways to please her?
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I came to that realization in my late thirties.
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I'll be 45 this year.
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Okay.
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It's pretty recent.
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And, and it's because we constantly trying to find ways and means for these people to love us, and it's like they don't understand, I've released it, I was able to forgive and release because if you don't do those things, you carry too much heaviness in you and you're susceptible to all sorts of things.
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So to reduce any sort of susceptibility to illnesses and so on, one of the things you learn to do is release, forgive, and keep moving.
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After my father died, many of my siblings disappeared from Grenada.
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They, they want anything to do with Grenada because my father was the glue that held us together.
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I.
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And the tragic way in which he passed, or in the way we, we learned to accept the way he was passed because he was poisoned.
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That's what we were told.
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'cause he just started to bleed and the doctors couldn't understand what was, sort like something was cutting his insides.
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And later on, not too long ago a family member who had access to information said to me, you know, your father was poisoned.
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That's what he said to me.
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So we were, we were aware.
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That is what happened.
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And because of that, many of my siblings wanted nothing to do with Grenada.
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They just wanted to get as far away from this place as possible.
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And how old were you?
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How old were you at that time?
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I was nine.
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I was nine years old.
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So you weren't going anywhere.
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You were there, you were gonna be there.
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And I was a sheltered nine.
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Okay.
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It is not like, maybe nine year olds today, many than nine year olds today would be out and about and know this, know that, I mean, that would've been 1987 in the Caribbean on this small island.
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So I was pretty sheltered and I experienced my mother's depression.
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I felt it when I was going through my own depression.
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It felt, it felt something about, it felt similar.
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Like I experienced this before because if you're close in, close proximity to someone, and if you're depending on someone, your behaviors could affect that other person.
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So in the process, her behaviors or depression affected me.
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But I have a nature, my friends always say I'm bubbly and this, that and the other.
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But somehow the bubbliness would come out outside.
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But when I'm inside the house or surrounded by the depression, you feel it more.
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And my mother kind came outta the depression in a way, in the mid to late nineties, I think.
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So I would've graduated from high school, would've gone through all of that, and.
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I think the birth of my niece, that kind of woke up something in her, I knew that helped to bring some life into her, so that helped her.
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Let's go back to your dad's death, he was really, sounds like he was a really wonderful father.
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Yes.
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And then you find out at some point that he was poisoned.
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Tell me this story.
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What, what happened here?
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What do you know about it?
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I mean, this is, this is, this is, this is like crazy, crazy story.
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So this is how it is.
00:20:02.204 --> 00:20:08.535
I remember it was November, I just turned nine, september is my birthday.
00:20:08.535 --> 00:20:16.154
So November, I was on veranda, played with a ball, my mom was greeting coconut to make coconut oil.
00:20:17.144 --> 00:20:23.934
And word came from her parents, her mother, that my father was vomiting.
00:20:23.934 --> 00:20:24.595
He was sick.
00:20:25.105 --> 00:20:27.894
Vomiting blood, so that's serious.
00:20:28.644 --> 00:20:36.174
So they got a friend, a family friend in another ambulance and all of that thing available to us.
00:20:36.174 --> 00:20:37.765
So a family friend with a car.
00:20:38.875 --> 00:20:44.845
Took him to the hospital, but before he went to the hospital, they brought him to our house to get a change of shirt.
00:20:45.234 --> 00:20:46.944
And that was the last time I saw him.
00:20:47.515 --> 00:20:53.634
And he lifted his hand and I was like, daddy being all spoiled as I am.
00:20:54.535 --> 00:21:01.974
And he lifted his hand in this weak way that I was able to, I always remember that look on his face, there was this fearful look on his face.
00:21:01.974 --> 00:21:05.154
I always remembered it and I couldn't understand what it meant.
00:21:05.154 --> 00:21:06.444
I never saw it there before.
00:21:06.444 --> 00:21:08.994
I always saw joy and fun, you know, that sort of thing.
00:21:10.134 --> 00:21:17.605
And he died the day after I went to school.
00:21:18.684 --> 00:21:24.954
And I was getting ready to go home to leave the school.
00:21:25.765 --> 00:21:29.994
And the driver of my, of a relative of mine was a politician.
00:21:30.835 --> 00:21:42.085
He said he came to the, he spoke to the, to some of the teachers who were there, and he came and he said, in all grenadian vernacular, he, I come for you.
00:21:42.714 --> 00:21:49.734
So I went with him, and there in my cousin's vehicle, my mom was bawling.
00:21:50.694 --> 00:21:54.355
She was screaming, oh God, he daddy, daddy dead.
00:21:54.355 --> 00:21:55.194
Your father dead.
00:21:55.795 --> 00:21:56.424
Just like that.
00:21:56.424 --> 00:21:58.285
That's also, that's how it was broken to me.
00:21:58.555 --> 00:22:01.315
And I remember feeling very cold.
00:22:01.750 --> 00:22:05.740
At nine years old, I didn't understand where this coldness came from.
00:22:06.369 --> 00:22:08.710
So my, my mom was in the car.
00:22:09.730 --> 00:22:15.970
My, my father's goddaughter, who was a nurse, was in the car trying to console my mother.
00:22:16.539 --> 00:22:20.230
And I'm sitting there and my mom is just bawling.
00:22:20.890 --> 00:22:25.809
And I'm like, in my, in the back of my head, I was like, would she shut up?
00:22:26.890 --> 00:22:32.769
'cause sometimes I, I get, I get, I am understanding myself now because it's just too much noise.
00:22:32.769 --> 00:22:34.930
My father's dead and you're just making too much noise.
00:22:35.380 --> 00:22:36.759
Will that bring him back?
00:22:36.765 --> 00:22:37.809
I don't know.
00:22:38.289 --> 00:22:39.369
I don't understand.
00:22:39.369 --> 00:22:40.359
Where's my father?
00:22:40.630 --> 00:22:43.509
You're bawling, he's dead, yada, yada, yada.
00:22:43.690 --> 00:22:50.529
So then we go home and then the whole house is just tears and bawling and bawling and bawling.
00:22:50.950 --> 00:22:53.349
So then he got, he gets buried and everything.
00:22:54.279 --> 00:22:56.490
So a few months later we were home.
00:22:56.829 --> 00:23:01.630
And a bus came down, or the road where we live, it's called Granton Road.
00:23:01.630 --> 00:23:04.210
Buses don't normally come down that road or back then.
00:23:05.019 --> 00:23:12.900
And a lady whom I knew I saw her she came and she was like, I have to speak to your mother right now.
00:23:12.900 --> 00:23:14.009
That's what she told my sisters.
00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:20.579
And she said, I have, I keep having a dream and I know what happened to your father.
00:23:20.849 --> 00:23:22.079
Go and get your mother now.
00:23:23.250 --> 00:23:34.029
So there were rumors swirling around the the, the area, our community or village of as to why or how we died.
00:23:34.809 --> 00:23:39.339
And Finally my mother came to hear what this woman had to say.
00:23:40.210 --> 00:23:47.269
So we walk into the living room and the woman pulls all the curtains.
00:23:47.450 --> 00:23:49.615
She pulls out these, candles.
00:23:49.855 --> 00:23:51.085
She lights them.
00:23:51.894 --> 00:23:57.025
And then she starts this guttural kind of, hmm, whatever.
00:23:57.474 --> 00:23:59.484
And I'm like, the youngest.
00:23:59.484 --> 00:24:01.075
And I'm like, what the hell is this woman doing?
00:24:02.244 --> 00:24:08.365
And then she starts saying all these different things and describing people and doing alls of things.
00:24:08.365 --> 00:24:12.444
And, and my mother starts the ball, oh God, she knew who killed my father.
00:24:12.494 --> 00:24:18.315
And then afterwards she said, she said that your father was poisoned.
00:24:18.404 --> 00:24:22.045
And she sees clearly who did it, how they did it and everything.
00:24:22.855 --> 00:24:23.694
And.
00:24:24.309 --> 00:24:27.250
That was just, that made us all very cold, right?
00:24:28.180 --> 00:24:32.289
And then she said, well, I'm sitting there, I don't know what's going on.
00:24:32.289 --> 00:24:35.200
Like remember, I'm nine years old, I'm experiencing this thing.
00:24:36.730 --> 00:24:40.869
And then she says, oh God, Sarah, something bad go happened to you.
00:24:41.559 --> 00:24:42.609
And I'm there like, what?
00:24:44.019 --> 00:24:45.880
How did I get involved in this?
00:24:46.430 --> 00:24:48.089
I'm like, what the hell?
00:24:50.710 --> 00:25:05.779
So like many times, fast forward years later, after being sexually abused, after learning that I live with bipolar disorder and everything I went through as a result, I'm like, was that what this woman was talking about?
00:25:06.319 --> 00:25:08.119
Is this, that is this?
00:25:08.119 --> 00:25:12.875
You know, I'm always wondering, you know, Did she see something?
00:25:12.880 --> 00:25:23.545
You know, I don't know because I, I don't live my life in that fashion, although I understand and I respect that people, there are people with these gifts, you know, with disabilities, right?
00:25:24.484 --> 00:25:26.164
So yeah.
00:25:26.170 --> 00:25:28.954
And because of that, many of my siblings.
00:25:29.630 --> 00:25:31.430
Didn't want to have anything.
00:25:31.430 --> 00:25:54.799
As I said before, with our village, they wanted to be as far away as possible, so many of them not knowing how they would make it, just left Grenada, went to Canada, went to America anywhere they could make it, but Grenada tried to make it and that's how we learned about my father but what about, would there have ever been an investigation?
00:25:54.799 --> 00:26:03.474
Because you did mention that recently, a family member actually did tell you, I think, did they have access to medical records or something like that?
00:26:03.474 --> 00:26:06.414
But they told you that he was in fact poisoned, so mm-hmm.
00:26:06.515 --> 00:26:06.974
Is that right?
00:26:07.595 --> 00:26:08.015
Mm-hmm.
00:26:08.964 --> 00:26:13.194
I have, they just like my siblings are like, leave it alone.
00:26:14.244 --> 00:26:21.605
Karma is gonna take care of the people who participated and he wouldn't have wanted anything.
00:26:21.605 --> 00:26:28.025
But I'm like, knowing the journalist in me, I'm like, I was at a point, I was like, I'm gonna get his body exhumed.
00:26:28.075 --> 00:26:31.734
I remember going through that and I was like, I, I think not.
00:26:31.734 --> 00:26:37.855
I think when I was putting myself back together after learning, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
00:26:38.605 --> 00:26:42.115
I was like, these are the things I want to do to bring some closure in my life.
00:26:42.295 --> 00:26:45.295
You know, I want my father's body exhumed.
00:26:45.714 --> 00:26:49.884
I want this to be done, testing to be done, and yada, yada, yada.
00:26:49.884 --> 00:26:53.515
And I'm like, my sisters would never sign on for that.
00:26:54.384 --> 00:26:55.464
My brothers wouldn't.
00:26:56.934 --> 00:26:58.164
He has passed on.
00:26:58.704 --> 00:26:59.605
He's in a better place.
00:26:59.605 --> 00:27:00.625
He was a good person.
00:27:00.625 --> 00:27:02.005
It's not like he was a wicked person.
00:27:02.005 --> 00:27:03.234
We are not worried about that.
00:27:04.105 --> 00:27:06.525
And so that's how we dealt with it.
00:27:07.484 --> 00:27:11.444
Because we don't have the evidence, per se, you understand, right?
00:27:11.505 --> 00:27:13.795
We have, this woman who came to us.
00:27:13.795 --> 00:27:27.734
We have people later on who would've been in circumstances or in places where they heard things, and came and told my mom what, what was said, you know?
00:27:27.734 --> 00:27:27.825
Mm-hmm.
00:27:27.826 --> 00:27:28.634
By certain people.
00:27:29.894 --> 00:27:41.924
And so because of that, you know, we grew up, don't take anything from anyone, don't blend anybody anything and I couldn't let anybody, my books, I couldn't borrow books from people.
00:27:42.224 --> 00:27:45.345
I couldn't let people, and then afterwards I was like, I had enough of this.
00:27:45.615 --> 00:27:47.325
I'm gonna learn whomever I want.
00:27:47.325 --> 00:27:51.855
Whenever, however, when I get home, when I get to slap too bad, I don't care.
00:27:52.244 --> 00:27:52.515
So.
00:27:53.144 --> 00:27:53.444
Yeah.
00:27:53.625 --> 00:27:54.105
Yeah.
00:27:54.375 --> 00:27:57.674
Well,'cause it's, it's tough to live with paranoia like that.
00:27:57.674 --> 00:27:59.880
That's exactly, that's a tough way to live.
00:28:00.450 --> 00:28:01.170
Yes.
00:28:01.680 --> 00:28:10.200
And I lived it because my mom, the woman gave my mom this thing to pin on me, to protect me.
00:28:10.200 --> 00:28:12.450
And then I took it off and I was like, this is nonsense.
00:28:12.450 --> 00:28:14.190
And I became very, very holy.
00:28:14.579 --> 00:28:18.900
I was raised Catholic, so I would be seeing the rosary, modern noonan night.
00:28:18.930 --> 00:28:20.579
Mary and I were very good friends.
00:28:20.609 --> 00:28:21.059
Okay.
00:28:22.029 --> 00:28:23.710
The saints knew me as well.
00:28:23.799 --> 00:28:24.460
Okay.
00:28:25.029 --> 00:28:25.480
Yeah.
00:28:28.299 --> 00:28:29.289
I get that though.
00:28:29.289 --> 00:28:31.509
I that, that's an intense experience.
00:28:31.509 --> 00:28:33.099
I mean, that's an intense thing.
00:28:33.250 --> 00:28:41.980
It's one thing to lose your father, but to have it be in these circumstances that are so suspicious and, and then everybody to be very scared, legitimately scared about it.
00:28:41.984 --> 00:28:45.519
I mean, that's, that is a tough, tough way to, to have to live.
00:28:45.525 --> 00:28:45.630
Mm-hmm.
00:28:46.210 --> 00:28:46.630
Mm-hmm.
00:28:47.299 --> 00:28:47.589
Yeah.
00:28:47.680 --> 00:28:53.549
So let's let me ask you, you know, you mentioned that you did suffer sexual abuse at some point in your life.
00:28:53.880 --> 00:28:53.970
Mm-hmm.
00:28:54.160 --> 00:28:56.349
Tell me about, tell me about how that happened.
00:28:57.204 --> 00:28:57.714
Oh, okay.
00:28:57.714 --> 00:29:05.575
So after my father died, I was also close to a sister of mine who was one of his children with a previous woman.
00:29:06.595 --> 00:29:10.194
And she grew up in the house with us, with my mom and so on.
00:29:10.194 --> 00:29:18.684
But she was a really lovely woman, and I still have a place in my heart for her because she was more of a mom to be than my own mother.
00:29:18.684 --> 00:29:20.934
She was read to me, she, you know, that sort of thing.
00:29:21.535 --> 00:29:34.295
So she was a twin and both of them were lived living in Montreal, Canada, and they used to give me trips to Montreal, especially after I passed the exam to go into secondary school.
00:29:34.375 --> 00:29:47.825
So there I was in Canada, the very first time as I write in the book, my first experience is eating Chinese food, fast food, and being all, exposed to all of these things.
00:29:50.210 --> 00:30:05.970
On the second trip, I was home alone and the boyfriend of one of the twins, not the one I was very close to, he was sent to the house to check on me, and in the process he molested me and I never said anything.
00:30:06.809 --> 00:30:18.210
But then when I returned home, I think it was on the third trip, he then lied on me and said that at the time I didn't have a, I didn't, was not in a relationship with anybody.
00:30:18.210 --> 00:30:25.289
I was a teenager and it was not encouraged for us in my mother's house to have a boyfriend while we going to school.
00:30:25.295 --> 00:30:26.694
After school, you deal with that.
00:30:26.815 --> 00:30:28.134
That's how we were brought up.
00:30:29.065 --> 00:30:35.144
But he said that, I told him I had a boyfriend with whom I was sexually active.
00:30:36.315 --> 00:30:43.065
So they called Grenada and told my mom, look Sara, I sexually active.
00:30:43.154 --> 00:30:44.654
And my mother was like, no, that's not true.
00:30:44.654 --> 00:30:47.775
And then I told the truth that he was molesting me.
00:30:48.105 --> 00:30:50.595
My mother got very angry with me.
00:30:52.079 --> 00:30:52.920
And she blamed me.
00:30:52.920 --> 00:30:54.900
She was like, why did you allow this to happen?
00:30:55.259 --> 00:31:02.099
And that hurt a lot and that, and I, I blamed myself a lot over the years.
00:31:02.190 --> 00:31:03.660
Why did you allow it to happen?
00:31:03.740 --> 00:31:09.170
And that put a lot of pressure on me.
00:31:09.740 --> 00:31:11.720
And then the family broke.
00:31:11.809 --> 00:31:12.710
The family broke up.
00:31:12.710 --> 00:31:14.539
That relationship with the family broke up.
00:31:14.660 --> 00:31:16.730
And I blamed myself for it as well.
00:31:17.450 --> 00:31:19.279
I didn't get to see that sister again.
00:31:19.400 --> 00:31:19.940
Ever.
00:31:20.599 --> 00:31:20.690
Hmm.
00:31:20.750 --> 00:31:24.740
Well, yeah, I did see her again, but it was under strained relations.
00:31:24.829 --> 00:31:27.259
Did some people in your family not believe you?
00:31:28.099 --> 00:31:28.460
Yeah.
00:31:28.460 --> 00:31:34.099
They, the, the sister's input in Montreal did not believe me, but the rest of my family believed me.
00:31:34.430 --> 00:31:44.220
That affected my relationship with growing up, growing into a young woman to be able to have a relationship with a boyfriend, having a boyfriend.
00:31:45.059 --> 00:31:46.109
Loving myself.
00:31:46.109 --> 00:31:47.460
Accepting myself.
00:31:48.579 --> 00:31:49.690
I started to binge eat.
00:31:50.140 --> 00:31:54.579
You know, I did not want to look cute, and then I wanted to look cute.
00:31:56.650 --> 00:31:57.970
Oh, gosh, this is so crazy.
00:31:59.450 --> 00:32:00.920
This is my definition of crazy.
00:32:01.430 --> 00:32:08.420
You wanted to look cute and attractive to guys, but at the same time, you did not want to look cute because you did not want to look attractive to them.
00:32:09.259 --> 00:32:09.559
Okay?
00:32:09.559 --> 00:32:10.970
That's my definition of crazy.
00:32:11.599 --> 00:32:20.950
And I had a resurgence of that after the whole mental illness diagnosis and how my then husband treated me.
00:32:21.640 --> 00:32:25.359
I did not want to be attractive to men anymore.
00:32:26.230 --> 00:32:28.059
So I was like, I'm gonna put on weight.
00:32:28.065 --> 00:32:28.369
Right?
00:32:29.410 --> 00:32:36.730
I, I was able to track it in my brain, you know, recently, and I was like, oh my gosh.
00:32:37.059 --> 00:32:40.720
I made a decision to put on weight so that I would not be attractive.
00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:43.569
And here I am fighting to look attractive again.
00:32:44.349 --> 00:32:53.619
So I was re I am repeating what I did in my teen years because of certain things that happened, and I was like, I have to put an end to this.
00:32:53.730 --> 00:33:02.009
I have to go into me and stop trying to fix the outside.
00:33:02.609 --> 00:33:09.240
Because of what is going on in the inside, fix the inside and the outside will be better, you know?
00:33:09.509 --> 00:33:09.630
Mm-hmm.
00:33:09.750 --> 00:33:25.009
So I, I recently came to that conclusion, come to that realization that I was repeating my teen years again with the eating, the binge eating and I was like, oh God, not again.
00:33:26.000 --> 00:33:33.160
But you know what I'm sure a lot of people who've been through those sorts of traumatic situations can understand that.
00:33:33.160 --> 00:33:43.335
I mean, you characterize it as crazy, but when you're dealing, I think with something that's so, Traumatic, I think you're doing your best to try to make sense of it all.
00:33:43.545 --> 00:33:47.204
And especially if you don't feel a ton of support from those around you.
00:33:47.535 --> 00:33:48.075
I had none.
00:33:48.079 --> 00:33:49.890
You just have to do your best.
00:33:49.894 --> 00:34:08.130
And so, although it could seem crazy, it's also makes sense because you've been victimized by a man and so it's understandable that they're scary to you and you want to repel them to some degree, But then also there's a part of you that wants to live as if that never happened and get a boyfriend and all that.
00:34:08.135 --> 00:34:11.199
So I, I think that in its own way, it doesn't make sense.
00:34:11.409 --> 00:34:20.039
And so the aftermath of, of trying to navigate that What kind of effect do you think that had on you?
00:34:20.684 --> 00:34:29.375
So many years to, or that, you know, that other people going through that might also relate to, because it's a really awful thing to happen to you.
00:34:30.605 --> 00:34:55.224
I, how it affected my, my, it affected sexual abuse stays with the victim forever in lessening degree because it, especially if you get help and if you continue to help yourself along the way, you have to continue helping yourself along the way.
00:34:55.824 --> 00:34:59.965
It is something that I have learned being diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
00:35:01.344 --> 00:35:04.405
The doctors can do so much, you have to do the rest.
00:35:04.465 --> 00:35:05.394
That's what I see.
00:35:06.264 --> 00:35:13.465
And so being sexually abused affected who I was totally.
00:35:14.440 --> 00:35:19.989
My self-esteem, my self-worth confidence.
00:35:20.739 --> 00:35:22.980
I think I learned this word in America.
00:35:22.980 --> 00:35:28.139
Chutzpah got me through a lot, you know, just getting up and do things.
00:35:28.769 --> 00:35:31.380
But there was no, I wasn't grounded.
00:35:32.190 --> 00:35:36.539
There wasn't, there was that confidence, there was not that self-esteem.
00:35:36.539 --> 00:35:43.590
There wasn't, you know, I just did things because I wanted to do them, and the fear would always be there.
00:35:43.594 --> 00:35:45.360
I felt like, it wasn't real.
00:35:45.389 --> 00:35:56.105
It wasn't real, well, I noticed in your memoir, you had mentioned that before the abuse began, and it sounds like it was over a period of time, it was not just one time.
00:35:56.105 --> 00:35:56.195
Mm-hmm.
00:35:57.199 --> 00:36:00.630
That you had gotten really into sports, you were really active.
00:36:00.690 --> 00:36:04.949
And then when you came back after all of that stopped.
00:36:04.949 --> 00:36:06.570
And so talk about that a little bit.
00:36:07.289 --> 00:36:08.190
Oh my gosh.
00:36:08.190 --> 00:36:10.260
It affected my whole life.
00:36:10.260 --> 00:36:24.690
So as I wonder what my life would've been like had I not been sexually abused, sometimes I wonder could I have been like Serena Williams or because I love tennis.
00:36:24.989 --> 00:36:25.590
Okay.
00:36:26.340 --> 00:36:31.190
And this tennis coach told me, he said to me, you have a powerful backhand.
00:36:31.579 --> 00:36:32.929
You're really good out there.
00:36:33.199 --> 00:36:39.789
You know, and every morning without any, no one encouraging me, I got a tennis racket from my sisters.
00:36:39.789 --> 00:36:41.289
I brought it down from Montreal.
00:36:41.380 --> 00:36:48.599
But before then, the man used to allow us to use tennis rackets in grenade that, they had and.
00:36:49.335 --> 00:36:58.724
I would go on the court on Saturday mornings, and there was an elderly man because he was looking for a new crop of tennis players in Grenada.
00:36:59.985 --> 00:37:09.014
It wasn't as big as cricket, which is a great game that they play in the Caribbean from, that comes from Britain.
00:37:09.704 --> 00:37:13.574
But or football or anything to us.
00:37:13.625 --> 00:37:16.355
I don't know, I can't remember how I got into it.
00:37:16.804 --> 00:37:18.215
Don't ask me how I got into it.
00:37:18.335 --> 00:37:19.264
I can't recall.
00:37:19.864 --> 00:37:24.724
All I know, I started playing tennis and I loved it, and I would be playing.
00:37:24.724 --> 00:37:33.914
Then I played netball, so I was, out there doing all these things, having fun, and then this, it closed me up.
00:37:35.355 --> 00:37:36.465
It closed me up.
00:37:36.469 --> 00:37:38.385
I didn't want to do anything anymore.
00:37:38.744 --> 00:37:40.364
All I wanted to do was just disappear.
00:37:41.230 --> 00:37:45.554
I would eat to disappear, but you know, when you eat, you don't disappear.
00:37:45.554 --> 00:37:46.335
You show more.
00:37:47.025 --> 00:37:47.565
Mm.
00:37:48.795 --> 00:37:52.224
And I just disappeared.
00:37:52.224 --> 00:37:55.824
I, my love for the things I loved died.
00:37:56.574 --> 00:38:04.795
I sing now and I think without the sexual abuse, I would've been singing longer.
00:38:04.844 --> 00:38:13.184
And sometimes I look at how this thing puts a cap on my life, you know, it puts a cap on my life.
00:38:14.054 --> 00:38:22.304
It is up to you as a person who is, who has been abused to unc cap your life.
00:38:22.815 --> 00:38:28.994
To turn it off or to take it off some forcefully will hurt a lot.
00:38:29.000 --> 00:38:32.894
So you take your time and get it off it.
00:38:32.925 --> 00:38:39.684
When you look at the layers and layers and layers of ways and how, this affects, you don't wanna do anything.
00:38:39.735 --> 00:38:42.284
You're afraid of your own, your own self.
00:38:42.735 --> 00:38:46.215
I liked guys and I was afraid to be around them.
00:38:47.264 --> 00:38:50.985
And that used to make me so sad.
00:38:50.985 --> 00:38:59.054
I remember crying for a friend of mine as I wrote in the books, I wanted a boyfriend so badly because there were so, so many guys that I liked.
00:38:59.054 --> 00:39:03.614
I was so cute, but I was afraid, and what happens?
00:39:03.614 --> 00:39:05.144
How do I deal with them?
00:39:05.385 --> 00:39:06.644
You know, you question yourself.
00:39:06.675 --> 00:39:14.815
You don't know how to act with them because I learned that when you're sexually abused, you can go at, you can go from either spectrum.
00:39:15.144 --> 00:39:19.195
Either you become very promiscuous or you become very closed.
00:39:19.614 --> 00:39:21.355
And I became very closed.
00:39:21.835 --> 00:39:30.295
And so sexual abuse messes with you thoroughly.
00:39:30.909 --> 00:39:36.969
It messes with the mind, it messes with the body, it messes with the spirit.
00:39:37.090 --> 00:39:39.969
It messes with your whole being.
00:39:40.840 --> 00:39:49.869
And if you want to kill a child, abuse them.
00:39:52.030 --> 00:40:02.019
Whether it be verbally, emotionally, sexually, especially sexually, all of them are bad, but especially sex.
00:40:02.074 --> 00:40:14.255
And then sometimes the sexual abuse isn't done in such a way that it covers every other abuse so if you want to kill a child, abuse them, sexually abuse them.
00:40:14.255 --> 00:40:20.554
In my case, sexual abuse literally almost killed me.
00:40:22.155 --> 00:40:22.489
Okay.
00:40:22.510 --> 00:40:22.869
Mm-hmm.
00:40:22.909 --> 00:40:23.869
It almost killed me.
00:40:24.869 --> 00:40:35.894
So, you have written this book that's called Still Smiling, and you've pushed forward, you've kept going, like you said, you have chutzpah, you, just kept moving forward.
00:40:36.045 --> 00:40:45.344
Now, you did have this other sort of challenge that you ran into where you were diagnosed as bipolar, you said that came years later.
00:40:45.344 --> 00:40:46.695
Do you wanna talk about that a little?
00:40:47.355 --> 00:40:47.864
Sure.
00:40:48.375 --> 00:40:57.885
The depression was always there, but it was, but the mania was on a little, I.
00:40:59.385 --> 00:41:05.385
Or should I say not high, but it was able to help to get me through.
00:41:06.135 --> 00:41:18.489
And so in 2002, late 2001 into 2002, my mind took up a speed of its own that it was getting out of Grenada.
00:41:18.579 --> 00:41:21.010
'cause I felt I was going to die if I stayed in Grenada.
00:41:21.639 --> 00:41:27.369
I literally felt that way and I just felt I had to get out because I had issues with my mom.
00:41:27.920 --> 00:41:30.110
I didn't know what I wanted to do in my life anymore.
00:41:31.289 --> 00:41:35.449
So all these things were happening and I just felt like I was going to lose my mind.
00:41:36.050 --> 00:41:45.019
And so I hopped a plane, headed to the US and decided I'm not coming back.
00:41:45.485 --> 00:41:47.344
Now I always go back.
00:41:47.344 --> 00:41:54.344
In my mind I was like, Sarana, you were really not well because 2002 you go to the us.
00:41:54.465 --> 00:42:00.525
That's a year after nine 11, if I'm correct.
00:42:00.579 --> 00:42:05.500
Things had really changed in the US in a thinking person's mind.
00:42:05.500 --> 00:42:11.320
You don't do something like that, but I didn't care because I felt I was going to die had I stayed in Grenada.
00:42:11.324 --> 00:42:12.519
That's how, that's how I felt.
00:42:13.269 --> 00:42:18.699
I literally felt like I was gonna die, so there I was.
00:42:18.760 --> 00:42:20.079
I ended up in the us.
00:42:20.409 --> 00:42:24.130
I met my daughter's father, whom I had known in Grenada.
00:42:24.340 --> 00:42:27.880
He's Gren, and I just felt I could wing it.
00:42:28.239 --> 00:42:30.190
I just felt I didn't care.
00:42:31.675 --> 00:42:34.155
And although we had it rough.
00:42:35.385 --> 00:42:43.125
I think had it been someone with worse temperament, my experience would've been terrible.
00:42:43.275 --> 00:42:44.414
Terribly worse.
00:42:44.514 --> 00:42:53.175
And after my daughter was born in 2004, I felt like something was happening.
00:42:53.864 --> 00:42:57.344
I was like, is this postpartum depression?
00:42:57.344 --> 00:42:58.094
I didn't know.
00:42:58.514 --> 00:43:00.974
But we needed finance or finances need.
00:43:00.980 --> 00:43:02.385
We needed money so badly.
00:43:03.255 --> 00:43:18.014
At six months old, I left my daughter in care and went to as a housekeeper in the us And while there I started deteriorating.
00:43:18.945 --> 00:43:24.929
Now I realized, Something was wrong, but I couldn't pinpoint it.
00:43:24.929 --> 00:43:26.250
So I was like, what is wrong with me?
00:43:26.610 --> 00:43:29.219
I have a husband, I have a child, I have a job.
00:43:29.400 --> 00:43:31.139
What else do I need?
00:43:31.144 --> 00:43:32.429
Why do I feel this way?
00:43:32.940 --> 00:43:34.889
I don't know if anybody has experienced that.
00:43:34.889 --> 00:43:38.789
You have all these things, but you're still, you know, what is wrong?
00:43:38.789 --> 00:43:39.630
Why are you depressed?
00:43:39.690 --> 00:43:41.039
Why are you feeling so low?
00:43:41.219 --> 00:43:42.659
What is wrong?
00:43:43.349 --> 00:43:46.809
And then it such affect everything.
00:43:46.900 --> 00:43:47.920
It affected everything.
00:43:48.820 --> 00:43:53.829
And then finally had a breakdown and they said it was bipolar.
00:43:54.250 --> 00:44:01.030
I mean, I was tested for everything in the world and I didn't wanna accept it there.
00:44:01.030 --> 00:44:08.150
I was living in the US undocumented and I didn't wanna accept this whole bipolar thing.
00:44:08.150 --> 00:44:09.409
I'm like, this thing is a joke.
00:44:09.409 --> 00:44:09.469
I.
00:44:10.469 --> 00:44:17.909
I'm trying to find, like I said, maybe this was a sexual abuse, maybe it is this, maybe it's that not, I'm not accepting a mental illness diagnosis.
00:44:18.599 --> 00:44:19.800
So I didn't take the medication.
00:44:19.800 --> 00:44:22.349
I deteriorated again, I didn't take the medication.
00:44:22.349 --> 00:44:28.179
I deteriorated again until I accepted and took ownership of myself.
00:44:28.239 --> 00:44:37.750
Ownership and then it took a while for me to regroup and put myself back together.
00:44:37.750 --> 00:44:41.349
'cause I had a young daughter, so I had to think about her.
00:44:41.349 --> 00:44:45.940
I had to think about myself, and I had to heal.
00:44:46.530 --> 00:44:46.949
Mm-hmm.
00:44:47.079 --> 00:44:47.829
Everything.
00:44:47.949 --> 00:44:50.650
It was just so much, so much, so much.
00:44:50.650 --> 00:44:53.170
And I had no support.
00:44:54.760 --> 00:44:56.650
Zero support.
00:44:57.250 --> 00:45:02.079
And sometimes I wonder, how the hell did I make it?
00:45:02.349 --> 00:45:04.599
Okay, I'm serious.
00:45:04.659 --> 00:45:05.469
I'm serious.
00:45:06.280 --> 00:45:07.690
And I laugh.
00:45:07.719 --> 00:45:08.170
I laugh.
00:45:08.170 --> 00:45:10.510
Sometimes I laugh at inappropriate times.
00:45:10.510 --> 00:45:14.110
But yeah, sometimes I wonder how the hell did I make it?
00:45:14.800 --> 00:45:16.599
'cause I was almost homeless.
00:45:16.989 --> 00:45:21.159
I was living off people's couches, even people's homes.
00:45:21.460 --> 00:45:23.710
'cause I had, I had nowhere to live with my daughter.
00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:36.309
And then I made the decision that I'm returning to Grenada, but while there, I got the urge to sing and it just kept coming.
00:45:36.699 --> 00:45:39.400
Like, Beth, it just kept coming.
00:45:39.849 --> 00:45:41.260
No matter how I fought it.
00:45:42.039 --> 00:45:45.849
I'll be cleaning and I'll be, and I'll bust foot the song.
00:45:46.360 --> 00:45:48.675
So I was not afraid to investigate it.
00:45:49.920 --> 00:45:53.579
I, so I found some wonderful people who helped me.
00:45:54.239 --> 00:45:59.190
There are angels out there and they continued to help me and help me and help me.
00:45:59.909 --> 00:46:05.550
And I was, I came to them to realization that, hey, I'm not documented.
00:46:06.250 --> 00:46:07.684
I'm in this place illegally.
00:46:07.954 --> 00:46:11.224
The climate in this country has changed totally.
00:46:12.335 --> 00:46:14.315
I do not belong here.
00:46:14.315 --> 00:46:20.224
I am not finding someone just to get a green card'cause I'm not exposing my daughter to craziness.
00:46:21.215 --> 00:46:22.684
She has been true enough.
00:46:23.614 --> 00:46:26.074
So I went back home, my mother was alive.
00:46:26.465 --> 00:46:27.485
She was like, come back.
00:46:28.085 --> 00:46:32.764
So I returned to Grenada and my mother refuses me into her home.
00:46:32.824 --> 00:46:34.775
So there I arrive in Grenada.
00:46:34.775 --> 00:46:35.585
I have nowhere to live.
00:46:37.340 --> 00:46:41.400
My mom just said, you're not welcome.
00:46:41.820 --> 00:46:53.400
So she know what was at that time in the late seventies was deterioration, fidelity, Alzheimer's or whatever, something, and she was like, you're not coming to my home.
00:46:53.909 --> 00:47:08.260
So I had to stay at a sibling's house for a few weeks, get a job, get a place for my daughter and myself, and that's was my return to Grenada.
00:47:10.420 --> 00:47:13.360
And it has been an uphill climb since then.
00:47:14.079 --> 00:47:17.920
I joke sometimes and I say, I've been back here five years and it feels like 50.
00:47:18.559 --> 00:47:18.800
Mm-hmm.
00:47:19.210 --> 00:47:29.050
Like, seriously, it feels like 50, but for what it's worth I had a relapse since I returned.
00:47:29.829 --> 00:47:32.500
'cause I, I, I started distancing myself.
00:47:34.000 --> 00:47:39.284
I was dealing with a lot and I just didn't wanna deal with this mental illness again.
00:47:39.284 --> 00:48:06.954
So I started not taking the medication consistently and with dealing with a lot of issues, plus you have a mental illness, you're susceptible to a breakdown, mm-hmm Of which I was I did experience but as usual, I put myself back together and I'm working on myself and it's a work in progress.
00:48:08.454 --> 00:48:09.775
I have come a long way.
00:48:10.885 --> 00:48:21.054
And many people who are listening to this or who would listen to this were who, if you see yourself in that, you would understand that you would've come a long way from where you were.
00:48:22.105 --> 00:48:36.184
You have to make the decision to want to move forward for a better life, because if you don't make that decision, you are going to stay in that hell for the rest of your life.
00:48:37.565 --> 00:48:42.125
And so you don't, you don't put yourself in that hell, especially if you're sexually abused.
00:48:42.755 --> 00:48:45.244
You were victimized.
00:48:45.980 --> 00:48:53.510
And if you continue to allow that person, to control your life, you are continuing to victimize yourself.
00:48:54.469 --> 00:48:56.119
And I had to come to that realization.
00:48:56.119 --> 00:48:58.309
I was like, no, you don't control me anymore.
00:48:58.610 --> 00:48:59.960
I control this narrative.
00:49:00.679 --> 00:49:01.489
I'm in charge.
00:49:01.849 --> 00:49:02.989
I have to do this.
00:49:03.170 --> 00:49:04.369
I have to take care of me.
00:49:05.269 --> 00:49:09.500
And that's what I do on a daily basis.
00:49:09.599 --> 00:49:14.815
Positive, a affirmations, everything positive that I can do.
00:49:15.264 --> 00:49:25.494
Think positive, be kind and loving, forgive, release, and put a smile on my face and keep moving.
00:49:26.554 --> 00:49:31.269
Yeah, I think it's like what you're saying every day you're moving forward, you're doing your best.
00:49:31.420 --> 00:49:34.119
It's never a finished product for anybody.
00:49:34.119 --> 00:49:34.179
No.
00:49:34.210 --> 00:49:39.280
And especially after sexual abuse and a lot of the difficulties that you've faced.
00:49:39.280 --> 00:49:43.940
So it's amazing the way that you're pushing forward and what you've done for you and for your daughter.
00:49:44.690 --> 00:49:47.250
And the other thing I was gonna bring up is the singing.
00:49:47.255 --> 00:49:49.565
Before we close out here, the singing.
00:49:50.480 --> 00:49:54.929
It seems like that's been something really nice for you Yes.
00:49:55.380 --> 00:50:01.050
And it sounds like you're saying it just kind of came out of you at some point where it was gonna happen.
00:50:01.054 --> 00:50:02.429
It came from nowhere.
00:50:02.860 --> 00:50:13.280
I say that singing has chosen me at this point in my life, but of course, if you have a gift, you have to hone it.
00:50:13.284 --> 00:50:15.440
You have to work on it, you have to craft it.
00:50:16.460 --> 00:50:18.199
And that's what I do.
00:50:18.230 --> 00:50:20.000
So I got voice lessons.
00:50:20.030 --> 00:50:24.309
I was able to meet a few wonderful people in Grenada who I, I meet up with.
00:50:24.519 --> 00:50:32.389
And most Saturdays we rehearse and we would record and put on Facebook, TikTok Instagram and stuff like that.
00:50:33.019 --> 00:50:34.670
And music is therapy.
00:50:34.880 --> 00:50:37.340
You have to find the things that make you happy.
00:50:37.985 --> 00:50:40.835
Along with medication, a medication alone can't do it.
00:50:41.315 --> 00:50:42.905
A doctor alone wouldn't do it.
00:50:43.474 --> 00:50:50.885
You have to couple that with the environment, the people you choose to have around you, the things, your diet, the things that you put into yourself.
00:50:50.885 --> 00:50:54.965
Not just the food, but the thoughts, the people you surround yourself with.
00:50:55.864 --> 00:51:01.985
Music has helped me to heal, and writing and books.
00:51:01.985 --> 00:51:02.675
Those are the things.
00:51:02.675 --> 00:51:05.344
I write songs, I, I sing.
00:51:05.344 --> 00:51:07.985
I, I I, I've stopped dancing.
00:51:07.985 --> 00:51:09.244
I have to start back dancing.
00:51:09.244 --> 00:51:11.614
My daughter dances for me'cause she dances for everybody.
00:51:11.614 --> 00:51:13.804
She dances and dances and dancers.
00:51:15.364 --> 00:51:18.545
But I, I am grateful that singing has chosen me.
00:51:19.114 --> 00:51:22.164
I feel that it is a big job.
00:51:22.164 --> 00:51:22.224
I.
00:51:23.170 --> 00:51:27.250
That it has chosen me, but I'm not, I'm not afraid of a challenge.
00:51:27.679 --> 00:51:30.110
I keep working on myself, holding on my craft.
00:51:30.829 --> 00:51:32.000
There's so much to learn.
00:51:32.010 --> 00:51:34.019
There's just so many wonderful songs to sing.
00:51:34.380 --> 00:51:40.150
And my thing right now is to record my original songs, and get them out there.
00:51:40.360 --> 00:51:41.710
That's what I wanna do.
00:51:42.039 --> 00:51:44.199
But you know what, everything comes across, you know?
00:51:44.199 --> 00:51:44.829
Yep, yep.
00:51:45.250 --> 00:51:49.965
And so I'm taking one step at a time, well, thank you so much.
00:51:50.014 --> 00:51:56.445
We covered a lot of things and again, you have this memoir you've written that covers a lot of this as well called Still Smiling.
00:51:56.934 --> 00:51:58.284
So Smiling is on Amazon.
00:51:58.344 --> 00:52:03.235
It's on Amazon, and it's available on Amazon, Kindle, and paperback version.
00:52:03.324 --> 00:52:03.775
Yes.
00:52:04.239 --> 00:52:04.750
Awesome.
00:52:04.750 --> 00:52:10.090
And is there any, is there anything else before we close out that you can think that you'd like to get out there?
00:52:12.070 --> 00:52:12.909
Forgive yourself.
00:52:14.710 --> 00:52:18.159
Do it as many times as you have to to feel comfortable.
00:52:20.019 --> 00:52:26.199
And whenever you fall, don't bring back the past to remind you of all the bad things you've done.
00:52:26.199 --> 00:52:35.199
It's easy to go there because once you start with one negative thought, another one covers another one, another one, you forgive yourself.
00:52:36.429 --> 00:52:37.420
Love yourself.
00:52:37.480 --> 00:52:39.880
Find the things that you love and do them.
00:52:40.360 --> 00:52:46.119
So, especially not things that would hurt you, I mean, would be detrimental to your health.
00:52:46.300 --> 00:52:57.210
Like some people might like illicit drugs, but it's not good for you, choose the things that make you healthy and whole and wonderful because this is your life.
00:52:57.360 --> 00:52:58.739
This is nobody else's life.
00:52:59.340 --> 00:53:05.090
Especially for those of us who have been sexually abused, for example, you've been victimized.
00:53:06.170 --> 00:53:11.659
Do not let that perpetrator continue to control your life.
00:53:12.260 --> 00:53:18.170
You have to take that cap off and live your life to the full.
00:53:18.829 --> 00:53:20.269
It's one life you have.
00:53:20.989 --> 00:53:22.039
Live it to the full.
00:53:22.039 --> 00:53:23.300
Live it with love.
00:53:23.300 --> 00:53:24.590
Live it with joy.
00:53:25.159 --> 00:53:26.570
Live it with a smile.
00:53:27.320 --> 00:53:28.670
'cause I'm still smiling.
00:53:29.539 --> 00:53:30.320
Exactly.
00:53:31.070 --> 00:53:31.670
Exactly.
00:53:31.670 --> 00:53:33.559
Well, thank you so, so much.
